piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
You Might Also Like
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Just say no
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.