RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
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I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?