I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
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I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.