I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
💁🏻♂️
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”