A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
You Might Also Like
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know