Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
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It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand