Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
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One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.