As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
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Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.