I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
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Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Got him!
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine