Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”