A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
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They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
You’ll be OK
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
😂 amazing answer
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.