At an art museum and I thought this was art
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.