Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
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The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids