My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
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6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
He wanted to make sure😂