Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
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Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing