Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
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Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.