Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
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Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
this is the news I live for
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house