My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
You Might Also Like
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot