talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
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10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.