We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
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guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Phones down.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]