Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
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DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.