Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
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2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*