the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
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uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Milk Cube
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.