I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
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One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Spring of Deception
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Are you dating a bunch of bees?