[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
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I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My love language is hissing.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Someone just threatened to call me later
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse