Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
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Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?