ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
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I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?