*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
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Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*