Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
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Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…