[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
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The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
life finds a way
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.