Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Accurate
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.