I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
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picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING