boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
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Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.