Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
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What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.