Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
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[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.