Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
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The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.