I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
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Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Good morning!
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.