Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
You Might Also Like
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Actually cracking up @ this
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Monday
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.