you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
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In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
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Me: Same.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
tinder is all about the long game
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.