Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
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In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
The sacred texts.