Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
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me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?