Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Name another movie that mislead you?
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.