As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
😂💯
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]