The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
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It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.