Ummm
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I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Lmbo
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea