Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
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The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Awwwww shit.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too