Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
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(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17