Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
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“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no