Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
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Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro