[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
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A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?